The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need a burrito and a hug.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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