I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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