when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
