So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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