wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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