Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize