Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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