god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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