***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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