based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
