just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize