can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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