Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
