He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
