Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize