I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize