Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
