hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize