I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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