Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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