you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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