Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
