im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
