Screwed.edu
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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