Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
