Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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