Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i need some magic done to my vagina
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
