I hate all girls vehemently.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
