doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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