He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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