My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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