Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
