there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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