Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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