Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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