I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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