Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I have fence marks all over my body
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
