The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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