I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
