why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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