Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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