This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
