I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
