Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
