So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
