just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
