WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
