Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
