My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
