I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
