i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
