My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
