Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
