Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize