What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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