I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He passed out mid-signature
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize