I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
