I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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