So drunk its hurt
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
