mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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