im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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