Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
