does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
