What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
